The Story of a Sex Worker

November 19, 2004

Double Life

Andrew and I started spending all our time together. Our relationship got very close very fast. Time apart, when neither of us were working, was impossible. I would miss him in a fearful way and when I saw him I felt as if I'd never feared anything.

Most of my relationships up to that point were used to fill up empty space and after a short while they became empty as well. Four years before, when I was twenty, I had met a guy named Carl who was short and unemployed. For the first two months we stayed in bed. Eventually the money ran out and I had to support us with a waitressing job. He kept living off of me and eventually seemed ungrateful so I got angry and kicked him out. We lasted eight months but I would always remember the first two. Andrew seemed promising in a long term way.

But I felt guilty about lying to Andrew about my work. I told him I had gotten a temp job. It looked too suspicious for me to be leaving for work at a different time everyday. Some days I would have to be on the set at two o'clock, the next four in the afternoon, the next eleven in the morning. I told him that I had to leave for a temp job at ten o'clock everyday. This meant I had to leave some days when I didn't want to. But I had to leave by ten because I didn't want to screw up a good thing with suspicion. In a way, I was leaving for a job. My job was my cover up, my system for seeming like a healthy and natural person.

At the same time, "Bonfire of the Vaginas" became an instant success. Mail orders started arriving by the dozens and then by the hundreds daily. People everywhere wanted to see me. I felt proud and alive and, in a way, very much part of the world. Porn may have been an outlaw business but I had reached a high status. I had never done that before, in any part of my life.

Bernard got recognition for the movie as well. Just like he wanted, there was talk of him getting the nomination for best director. Some people even whispered about lifetime achievement. There were also stirrings about me getting best actress. That was a long shot because it was rare for a first-timer to get the best actress award but I still could have been nominated. I had already done too many films for best newcomer.

The film really was better than most. A movie called "Outer Space Vixens" consisted of a girl walking into a room naked except for a space helmet bought at a toy store. There was no dialogue and they began fucking immediately, a pretty dull way to make another video. Bernard's work paid off. People bought it and liked it. We were pleased. There were more starring roles to come.

For a while at least, I was able to live the best of both worlds. Work was going well and so was my life outside. The good feelings about Andrew and my new success overshadowed the guilt about the strange double life I was leading.

I wasn't going to tell Andrew anything. I didn't tell anyone in the industry about Andrew either. The industry would frown on outside promiscuity. Not that I was being promiscuous, but anything made people nervous. They were worried about entering disease into the scene. They wanted to keep our porn control group pure, although they didn't seem to mind that the men hopped around from gay porn to hetero porn and back again.

My next project was going to be something as base as "Outer Space Vixens." Bernard said demand for me was high and we should throw something together because it was bound to sell. Bernard found a mermaid's tail at a costume store and developed a plot. I played a mermaid who when she was exposed to dry land her tail disappeared and she got horny. We made the movie in a day and a half and packaged it in a week. The box cover had a shining picture of me covering my breasts with my hand, wearing the fishtail. That was my second feature movie, simply called, "Mermaid."

Bernard was right. The movie sold well almost overnight. I never would have thought when I desperately answered an ad in the "Hollywood Press" and had my first tentative interview with Bernard that I would become a porn star. I was Shirley Shave and that meant something. Everything was going very, very well.

I had my feet in two doors, Andrew and box covers, but I wouldn't call it conflict because I was happy in both. I was able to have sex with Andrew just like Far Out had talked about. I shut myself off on the set and saved myself for him when I got home. Our sex was so good that you never would have thought I had been doing it all day. But I was living a right brain/left brain sex life. The right brain went to work while the left brain had the feeling.


  • At 5:43 PM, Blogger Garrison Steelle said…

    Many people live double lives in many different ways. While obviously not ideal, as long as you are able to find a balance point, it can be workable.


  • At 3:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Still "stopping by" to read.


  • At 3:41 AM, Blogger Laust said…

    hi shirley,

    nice post. love the comments on 'outside promiscuity'. the story is comming together very well.

  • At 5:01 PM, Blogger Julian Silvain said…

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