GOD'S WIFE

The Story of a Sex Worker

November 12, 2004

Modus Operandi

The last day of filming. I was going to do my scene with Betty Able, the finale, and a masturbation scene.

When I got there, Al Harvey opened the door. As soon as I saw his smiling scar my heart sank deeply.

"I don't have to be away on business today," he said. "I can watch you and Betty's scene together. I've been looking forward to it."

I didn't say anything and walked past him into the living room. I could feel him watching me from behind.

The scene with Betty didn't go as well as it should have. Al Harvey stood next to Bernard behind the camera the whole time. As hard as I tried, I always sensed him there, his beady eyes and monster smile.

Bernard was forced to say, "Cut. Shirley, you don't look like you're enjoying yourself."

"Sorry," I said and looked at Al who was smirking, almost as if he was glad to be having a bad effect on me.

I closed my eyes and imagined an empty room and was able to complete the scene that way. The day was soon over.

After the final scene was shot, Bernard said to all of us, "We should all be proud of this. I still have to edit but I think it's going to turn out well. You all did a good job. It's not just another fuck film."

We went outside to Al's vast brick porch and drank beer and celebrated completion. I got congratulations from everybody.

"I feel like we've done something good," Bernard said, sitting under an umbrella.

"As long as I get paid," Ram Baker replied grimly.

"Feel good about it. Especially you, Shirley."

I did feel good about it. I was proud of my first starring role. I hadn't really ever made anything in my life. I thought this was an important step. I was elated with a feeling of accomplishment.

That feeling of elation was curbed by Al Harvey's staring eyes. I was leaning on the porch railing, staring at the ocean, when Al came up to me. He had been looking at me the whole time I was on the porch so I was expecting it.

"Let's go inside," he said.

"I don't think I want to."

"Come on. Just a quick one. I was watching you and imagining that I was Betty and I got all fired up."

I looked up at him. He was blocking the sun so his head seemed surrounded by a burning halo of light.

"I'm tired," I said.

"Just a blow-job."

I looked back at the ocean. He said, "Come with me. It's the last time I'll ask you," and put a hand on my shoulder.

If it was the last time I thought maybe I could handle it. I'd get him off and forget about him. Filming at his house was over. I would never have to see him again.

But then I thought about what Andrew would think and I felt terrible. Right now, staring up at Al's head as if it was on fire, I didn't like what I was doing now any more than Andrew would. Andrew reminded me of the good but he also reminded me of the evil, which Al Harvey might have embodied more than the devil.

"You better come with me," Al said. He put two fingers on my neck and pressed hard. The pressure gave me a quick memory of the security guard at the stereo store I tried to rob as a kid, his fingers, the size of two of my own, pressed firmly against my child-sized neck.

"I don't think I'm interested in doing that," I said and looked to Bernard who was talking to Betty and Ram.

"It's not like you have a choice," Al said, threat in his voice.

He took me by the neck and pushed me toward the house. Bernard wearily watched us walk across the porch. I didn't yell out to Bernard, though I should have. Part of me didn't want to get Bernard in trouble. This was way too selfless a thought, considering, but I figured I'd accept my own hardship. I still had an instinct to be tough left over from childhood. Al's grip on my neck tightened as he pushed me all the way back to his master bedroom.

I sat down on the bed. I wasn't going to undress. "I'm not sure-" was all I was able to say before Al pulled his pants down and grabbed me by the hair. He pushed me down hard on himself. He moved my head up and down, forcing me to suck him off, holding my hair in two hands as if to break it in half, standing on my feet. I couldn't fight it. I could barely breathe.

"Swallow it," he said.

There was nothing I could do. He was holding me down. "That's good," he said, moaning. "That's a good, good girl."

When he was done, he pulled his pants up and went into the bathroom. I slowly walked to the porch cradling my body as if I'd been hit. Everyone was gone. I looked inside. Ram and Harry were loading up equipment. I considered telling them what had happened but then I realized that they wouldn't care. They looked up to Al, down on me.

I went over to Betty who was sitting in the zebra-skin chair. I sat next to her on the couch. We had done a scene together on that couch.

"Al Harvey made me suck him off," I told her.

"He did?"

"He forced me to."

"Shit, that's a pain, Shirl."

"You're not kidding."

She was silent, unconsoling. I stood up to leave.

"You know, I fucked him once too," she said.

"You did?"

"Yeah. He said I was his first black chick. He sure is an ugly sonofabitch."

"Sure is."

I stood above Betty with my head in my hands pinching my temples so they hurt, breathing deep breaths.

"This has got you ripped up, hasn't it, Shirl?"

"Yeah it has. Shouldn't it?"

"Well, if you were a normal person, I'd say you should be bothered. But we're not normal people. We're in the industry. Our M.O. is to fuck. We put up with a lot more where that's concerned than most people."

"I guess," I said.

"Although maybe we're not that different from other people. Everybody in the world is fucking. Fucking's about the only pleasure some people have. It's like a gift from God. You hear what I'm saying?"

"I hear you."

I drove home along the foggy Pacific Coast Highway confused as all hell. Two days ago I was happy alive. Two days later I was wondering what to do with myself, confused and forlorn like Far Out. I passed oceanfront homes and thought about Andrew. Thinking about him gave me a warm feeling. Emotions about Andrew were building. Emotions about the job were building too. I had just done my first starring role, made a great amount of money and finally found people's recognition. The very same day I was raped. My life always had a fucked-up sort of balance. It seemed I could never have the good side of the coin without the drawback side of the coin peeking its ugly head. One of those drawbacks was people like Al Harvey. Another drawback was that it was more than very likely that Andrew would not understand the profession if I ever told him about it. I couldn't have the best of both worlds that Far Out had talked about and eventually failed trying. I wasn't sure if I had to make a choice. I was deeply confused. Some people liked conflict because it made them feel alive. I thought that was bullshit. That was for people who never had to live through real conflict.

I called Andrew that night and he seemed as happy to hear from me as I was to talk to him. I went to his apartment and we had a fine time just sitting and watching TV like an old couple. We slept together again. I thought I could forget about Al Harvey by having better sex with Andrew. It worked. It wasn't fucking, it was sex. Andrew and I hummed with light and color. He fell asleep and I stayed awake, thinking. Basically, I didn't know what the fuck to do with myself.

8 Comments:

  • At 2:22 PM, Blogger Garrison Steelle said…

    Abuse is abuse, I don't care what your profession is. What he did was criminal.

    -G

     
  • At 8:32 PM, Blogger rodtalks said…

    I think they call that rape, plain and simple

     
  • At 8:48 PM, Blogger Inanna said…

    Bastard! Very curious about Andrew as I haven't been around for a while. It is funny how one little thing, even as innocent as cough syrup, can change a life.

     
  • At 4:28 AM, Blogger Laust said…

    that's such a great post. Poor Shirley, wish I could do something to comfort you...

    love, love, love

     
  • At 7:47 AM, Blogger Love2love said…

    Shirley, there.
    Poor girl.
    Please see http://mynameislot.blogspot.com

     
  • At 7:08 PM, Blogger The Furnace said…

    Where can I buy all of these videos you've starred in? I can't find anything starring Shirley Shave on the net.

     
  • At 12:52 PM, Blogger Rafael said…

    Industry or no, what he did was wrong. You should have bit it off.

     
  • At 5:07 PM, Blogger Julian Silvain said…

    Hey, I was searching blogs, and came onto yours, and I like it. I kinda landed here on accident while searching for something esle, but nice blog.. I got you bookmarked.

    If you got time , go visit my site, it´s about mens male enhancement reviews. It pretty much covers mens male enhancement reviews and other similar topics available.

     

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