The Story of a Sex Worker

December 14, 2004

The Price of Admission

I showed up on Andrew's doorstep right after work, having done three scenes in a distracted and fearful way. I rushed to his house as if to move too quickly to worry. I had a deep feeling that most other people would not understand my life and my work, even someone who seemed so much to like me.

I rang the buzzer and he let me in smiling.

"Hey, Shirl, you didn't call."

"I figured you were home. You usually are."

"It's fine. I'm glad to see you."

I sat on the couch. The computer on his desk lit the room with a dim, artificial light.

"Are you busy?" I said.

"Not really. I can do it another time. Just copying notes."

"I've got something to tell you," I said.

"What is it?"

"I've got some news. It may come as bad news."

His calm face turned to concern.

"Keep in mind this doesn't have to be bad news. It's something that makes me happy and something I enjoy. We both know it's good if I'm happy. I'd like you to be happy too."

"What is it?" he said again, now heavily concerned.

I started. "For the last year I have been in the sex industry. I've made a few videos. That has been my job."

I stopped. He was expressionless. I couldn't figure out what else to say. Maybe that was enough. The information didn't sound as bad as I thought it would. I was just stating a calm fact about my life. I knew that porn was a decent way of life, maybe he would too. I knew he leaned more towards the dirt in life. His bookshelves were filled with stories about criminals and convicts, even prostitutes. He had never been on the streets but he was interested. I became more confident.

"The job is not as dirty as you might think," I went on. "It's a job like any other. There are a lot of nice, supportive people working in the industry. It has actually been very good to me. I needed to tell you because I like you and was making myself sick not being able tell the truth."

Andrew was silent, staring at the floor. He abruptly switched his eyes to mine. "So you're a prostitute?" he said.

"No. Not at all. I make videos."


"Yeah, I've actually been fairly successful with-"

"If you're fucking for money, why aren't you a prostitute?"

"Because it doesn't work that way. It's more of a community of people."

"Do you fuck different men in these videos?"

"Yes, but it doesn't mean anything."

"How many different guys have you fucked?"

"That doesn't matter. I-"

"Sure it matters. You said you wanted to tell me the truth, so tell me. How many different guys have you fucked?"

"I don't know. I don't remember."

He stood up and pushed the chair so it fell and hit the floor. The sound was like a building collapsing.

"You said you've been working a year. So what, you fuck a different guy everyday? Oh, and I'm sure you fuck women too."

"How can I explain it to you. It's a job."

"Some fucking job. Who the hell does that? Vile and immoral people do that. Not you."

"I do. And you know I'm a decent person so that should show you that the industry's not all bad."

He let out a breath and I thought maybe he was going to ease up and accept the news. But then he walked hard towards me and I instinctively put my hands in front of my face, a father-daughter reaction.

"You're not a decent person, you're a slut. You're a whore."

I felt tears coming but I held them back. I tried not to cry very often.

"Jesus Christ," he said. "You've been lying to me for months. How does that make you a decent person. What the fuck do I know about you? Is Shirley Gilchrist even your name?"

"Yes. I've been up front about everything else."

"What's your name in your videos?" He said the word videos like it was a disease.

"Shirley...Shave," I said meekly.

That seemed to make him snap because he raised a fist and hit me hard in the side of the head. "A thousand different men. You uncaring bitch," he yelled. I stood up and began walking to the door. As I did, he hit me in the shoulder blade so it stung. "Where are you going?" he said. He followed me breathing deeply, stepping hard to the floor. I finally made it to the door and into the hallway. He slammed the door behind me.

"Fucker," he screamed. Then he hit the door.

I walked shakily down the stairs and to the street. The open air hit me like bricks. I was as high as after sex. Cynthia, the S&M queen, was right. Violence was as powerful a force as love. I thought about her and laughed for no reason. Just so I could think about something else.

I went to a coffee shop and ordered coffee. I added lots of sugar and cream and just watched the other customers. Sad men at the counter. Sad women serving them. Not a pedestrian on the sidewalk, just cars in heavy traffic. I tried not to think about anything. Sort of the same process of shutting down during a fuck scene. I drank my coffee silently and watched the rush hour coming home from work.


  • At 11:01 PM, Blogger Garrison Steelle said…


    I'm going to do my best to control my anger.

    You ARE a decent person. You are a CARING person. You are a WONDERFUL person and you are NOT doing anything wrong!

    And he HIT you? He actually had the NERVE to HIT you?

    I'm sorry, Shirley. I'm sorry the world is full of closed-minded self-righteous jerks.


  • At 5:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    A man who hits another simply because he doesn't agree with what the person is doing has no business judging the person you are, Shirley.

    Major props to you for your bravery and honesty. Shame on him! Hope you get over it quick and feel better soon.

  • At 7:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Unfortunately i'm going to have to disagree with the other posters, i've been following your blog since it started.

    When you initially got involved with "Andrew" you conciously made a decision to keep what you did from him. Probably knowing that he wouldnt "accept" your profession. If you had been upfront with him from the beginning (since there was potential for a relationship here, and not just a Fuck Buddy) this could have been avoided, you would know how he felt about your "job" and he would know what your "job" was.

    For you to be upset because you hid it from him (you have stated in earlier blog entries, that you knew you were hiding it, and instead lied and said you were doing comercials) is as much your fault as his.

    You never gave "Andrew" a chance and are now looking for some kind of e-Sympathy because of it.

    As for the Physical violence i'm in NO WAY Condoning "Andrew" hitting you, and do disagree with that


  • At 10:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hhmmm. I wondered how the Far Out scenario would be concluded; if, indeed, it is final.

    Now, Andrew. Still following your blog.


  • At 10:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you. I think it's very easy for people to think you should have been upfront early on in your relationship, but who among us exposes the core of our sexual life so early on. A couple of months isn't too long to give the relationship a chance before exposing your worts to your lover. I'm going to disagree with Zambo only because Andrew's violent reaction betrays a personality flaw that would have been fatal to the relationship eventually.

    Perhaps you can feel the next guy out by getting his opinion on porn early on.

    Good luck to you.

    Merry Chistmas,

  • At 11:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I agree with Greg also, his reaction revealed a fatal flaw. I think that you should keep emphasizing that you like Andrew and only told him as an expression of your attraction to him. If you didn't like him as much as you do, you could have kept your secret to yourself. Also it is never, EVER acceptable to hit anyone, male or female.

  • At 10:59 PM, Blogger John Humphreys said…

    Oh, people hit people all the time. It's just fashionable to be precious about it if it's against a woman. Emotional violence can be much more damaging than physical violence, but there are far fewer howls of outrageous protest there.

    You did wrong. He did wrong. Life's a bitch.

    Because of the probably comments that I shouldn't be violent I will unfortuantely have to pre-emptively defend myself by stating that I have never hit anybody -- male or female.

  • At 11:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    How did Shirley do wrong in this instance? The things he said showed to me that he wasn't angry that she had not been truthful to him. I would be more understanding of that, one might feel lied to and betrayed by such a revelation.

    Instead he got angry because he didn't like what she was doing and felt that she was a lesser human being because of what she was working as. That flaw is all his, and sadly, is one shared by many people.

    The hitting was inexcusable anyway you cut it.

    - R

  • At 1:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Just a few of my thoughts about Andrew, Shirley and relationships. It is hard to criticize the timing of Shirl’s revelation to Andrew. When would be the appropriate time to bring something like that up? Certainly not on the first date, second or third perhaps. I can easily imagine a person waiting to see where the relationship was heading and how deep before bring up a potentially explosive issue. I think we are always probing the envelope of trust with our partners whenever we delve into new areas of sexual exploration. Secondly, getting hung up on "how many guys" can be a possessive thing. Possessiveness and jealousy is not a healthy thing when applied to people and relationships. We don't have enough information to determine if Andrew should have felt he was in a "exclusive" relationship with Shirl. Finally, how many of us are absolutely transparent in our lives with our wives, husbands or partners. Its easy to point out hypocrisy in others but typically much more difficult in our ourselves.

    f of 4

  • At 3:46 PM, Blogger John Humphreys said…

    What did shirley do wrong? Are you kidding? Look -- maybe some people don't care if their partner is fucking other people... but most people do.

    If he cared about her, and then found out she had been fucking other guys, he would have been hurt, angry, confused, embarrassed, belittled. He would have felt like a fool and betrayed.

    It's not an issue of whether porn is a respectable industry... it's an issue about people making emotional commitments based on a lie that would otherwise fundamentally change the nature of their emotional commitment.

    It would not be unreasonable for him to feel physically sick. I would be very easy for his emotional pain at that point to exceed any physical pain that shirley got from being hit.

  • At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Shirley, I am sorry you went through that. His reaction was mean and intentionally cruel.

    Having said that: To enter a relationship (which I define as whenever you decided to have sex with him) without letting him know that, by the way, I have sex with other people for a living, verges on its own kind of cruelty. While I certainly understand your fear in telling him, what good could waiting possibly do? Did you really think he would say, "I understand and I accept you anyway?" That is as fanciful and absurd as a unicorn.

    It is unreasonable to expect to find a "straight" boyfriend who will genuinely accept your work. And if you did, within weeks he'd ask you to work only with girls. And then not work at all. Or worse, work only with him. ("You can get me in the business, right?")

    Please understand: I'm a woman who has many friends in the porn business. I have no problem with people who shoot porn or do any other kind of sex work.

    However, I don't do sex work myself. And I would not have a relationship with someone who someone who does sex work.

    This is not because I pass judgment, or that I fear disease. It's because, like most women, I put a premium on monogamy. And even though I have witnessed, many times, firsthand proof that sex work is exactly that, I know myself well enough that I couldn't handle a partner whose work entailed performing sex acts with other people.

    And while men are hard wired to want to fuck every woman they see, there are few who would be cool about their women doing likewise.

    By the way, this goes for porn stars, too, which is one of the reasons that porn stars' marriages tend to be measured in the single digits (months or years). No matter how many times they say, "I'm never jealous." (The just-married Jessica Drake on HBO's "Pornucopia" re: her three-way marriage with Evan Stone and Dolorian. By the time the show aired, Jessica and Evan were divorced over what a friend of mine called "typical porno drama" - aka, jealousy.)

  • At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    As soon as Andrew learned Shirl was in the industry he had a CHOICE to make. He made it. HE HIT HER. He could have chosen to be completely pissed and asked her to leave, he could chosen to talked through it or he could have been fascinated as hell about a subculture in which few people partake. In his case, he became demanding and violent. Neither Shirl nor Andrew is an innocent in this venture. Shirl for not being forthright and Andrew for being a batterer. We are without explicit evidence that Shirley was committed to Andrew in an "exclusive" relationship or Andrew for that matter. I know several women that are unmarried and see more than one man intimately. Is it wrong, you answer. Do they deserve to be assaulted should the other man discover the relationship? My answer NO. In no way does Andrew get a free pass to wack a woman because she has "fucked" other men in her course of her profession as a porn actress or prostitute. Her loss for not being upfront is the relationship with Andrew. Andrew's loss was his self control and a relationship. Sadly this world is filled with batterers and those that love them. Let's hope Shirley is not one of the latter.


  • At 9:12 PM, Blogger John Humphreys said…

    Question: Is there any amout of emotional violence that can exceed even the smallest amount of physical violence? Hypothetically, what is worse -- destorying somebody's life and driving them to suicide (without actually touching them)? Or pushing somebody?

    Question: If roles were reversed (the guy lied about fucking other people, and a girl hit him) would everybody honestly have the same reaction?

  • At 9:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Honestly, I can’t understand your question but in my mind your hypothetical is not equivalent. Until it is roughly equal you are comparing apples and grapefruit. I am not suggesting that Andrew was not deeply hurt by Shirley's revelation, he was. His response is out of line. Hitting is violence. It contains BOTH a physically and psychologically component to it. Rape, both MALE and female, is another example of both a physical and psychological violence contained in one action. I can’t quite understand how hitting is valid or even less damaging a response to some emotional trauma.

    Whether a boy hits a girl or a girl hits a boy both instances are wrong and cannot be justified. Is there a bias that “protects” females? Yeh sure. My response, work around it and keep going I only have so much time before I die, someone else can fight that battle.


  • At 12:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    If a guy told a girl that he was a porn actor or stripper or, heck, a prostitute, and she responds by saying that those are jobs that only "vile, immoral people" would do, and that the guy is "not a decent person, a slut, a whore" or whatever is the male equivalent, and then goes on to hit the guy, I'd still place the blame on the girl for being so ignorant and small-minded. If you truly cared for a person, you do not seek to punish them when they eventually decide to tell you the truth, and you certainly do not get a pass for hitting. Call off the relationship, break up, ask them to leave, whatever, but keep your judgement and your hands to yourself.

    - R

  • At 2:31 AM, Blogger John Humphreys said…

    Hypothetical questions aren't supposed to be equivalent. That's why they're hypothetical.

    I'm not saying that hitting isn't damaging... but people seem to make the weird assumption that physical violence is (nearly) always worse than other forms of abuse. This seems to be the trendy thing to say to make people look caring. From a distance they can pass categorical moral judgement (while at the same time saying "you shouldn't pass judgement") without context. I don't think life is that simple.

    And it is not ignorant and small minded to be hurt. It's amazing how people are so quick to pass judgement while at the same time condemn other people for being intolerent! You can't rip somebody's heart out and expect them to say: "oh... darn... how sad I am... well... would you like a coffee?"

    And if you truly cared for a person, then you would not start a lie that has a good chance of causing significant emotional harm. Truth is fine... but it does not absolve a person of their lie.

    Would I have hit somebody in the same situation? No. Do I think it was the correct response? No. But if I had to pick a scenario, I'd much rather be hit than hear the news that Andrew heard. To add insult to injury then Andrew gets strangers from around the world condemning him as evil. Just not cricket.

  • At 5:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hypothetical: Would you rather endure the emotional blow Andrew took or be shot by a gun?

  • At 5:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It is not ignorant and small-minded to be hurt. It is, in my books, ignorant and small-minded to make comments like only vile, immoral people would do porn and that people who do porn are not decent people, that they are sluts and whores. That is the implied meaning I'm getting from Shirley's version of Andrew's response more than "I'm hurt you lied to me." And, yes, I'm basing it on what Shirley wrote, so it would be a biased perspective, but that's all I have to work with. The hitting, not necessarily evil, but most definitely wrong, IMO, no matter what the circumstances surrounding it may be.

  • At 7:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm the Anonymous who has friends in porn, aka Dana (who does't want to register for Blogger) - and I wanted to clarify that, given his violence and name-calling, I don't think Andrew is ultimately any great loss. But I still say that even if he was mature enough to talk about his feelings, the net result would be the same: He'd be angry about the deception and he wouldn't want to date a porn star. And while his reaction brands him as an asshole, I believe even the nicest guys on this board would come to the same conclusion.

    Now, as to what might happen if she said she *used* to be a porn star... I think Andrew would probably react much the same way. (Again, no great loss.) But I'd like to hope that the more enlightened men would be open to at least hearing her out and not thinking any less of her for it. However, I know some otherwise nice guys who would still be Andrews about it. Guys?

  • At 9:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have to admit, on the really stupid stuff, I sometimes "pull and Andrew" (without the hitting of course). But on the brick shithouse issues, I am more thoughful and measured rather than reactionary.


  • At 10:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'd be hurt, and I would probably tell her to leave, just so I can give the matter some thought. As to whether I would continue going out with the person, I would have to think about how far I am willing to overlook the lying and a job that would require her to be intimate with other men as well as how much I really like her. I would hope that I never ever pass the kind of judgement on the kind of person she is for doing her job nor ever raise my hand to strike her, and if I should lapse, that I would realise that that kind of behaviour is wrong, very wrong.

    - R

  • At 3:58 PM, Blogger Reza said…

    I'm sorry that we, men, are so close-minded. I'm sorry on behalf of them, if I could.

  • At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wow!!! Andrew had no excuse to engage in hitting and physically abusing Shirl. His reaction was over the top and very revealing as to his character and lack thereof. Shirl came clean in own time. For me, this took great courage and bravery. And she also knew the risk she was taking.
    So, to the men who have commented when was the last time you voluntarily admitted having sex with someone other than your wife, lover, partner???
    Shirl, I am proud of you!!

  • At 11:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    When asked.


  • At 11:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have to give you KUDO's for being who you are, AND being HONEST. Andrew's anger was uncalled for, and being physical shows how inmature he really is. I can imagine that relationships in the sex industry tend to be very fragile, and it takes 2 to make a relationship. I have asked myself over and over "what would I have done" if I was Andrew. Probably beamed with pride because you are successfull, and you are happy, no small feat in today's world.


  • At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    awww come on guys, the bitch got what she wanted, and it's even debatable that it was what she deserved. at the least, it wasn't anything she wasn't already used to getting from paw, pawpaw, ex, pimps, etc..

    we are who we are. we gravitate to the kind of person we do because whatever key they have seems to fit in our locks. shirl here has been trained from an early age that her body is a commodity to be sold and traded, that she has something men want, and that aside from those things, she is worthless. you expect a person like that to one day meet mr right and everything will go away? don't be fools.

    as to shirl, well, you're a great writer. maybe one day you'll see that your writing is worth something and that it could be your way out of a life that's going nowhere but bedlam. good luck to you.

    and to the rest of you, stop being such apologists for people you wouldn't even want to invite to a family dinner to meet your parents, spouse and children without hiding what it was they did. if this was some pathetic dude in a cubicle job cheating on his girl you'd be a lot less compassionate and a lot more condescending.

    leroy tanaka

  • At 6:14 PM, Blogger John Humphreys said…

    Hypothetically, I would rather be emotionally hurt than shot by a gun.

    It is perfectly understandable that Andrew would try to externalise his emotional pain by thrashing out with insults. Anybody who then judges him as small-minded and as asshole is themself intollerant, judgemental and show a lack of understanding of the complex nature of emotional responses. We've all been through it before. We're hurt & we say things that we probably regret later.

    I find it hard to accept the self-righteous condemnations coming from self-appointed guardians of "correct" morality. A little more empathy and a little less judgement would go a long way. Not just from Andrew... but also from many people making comments.

    And it is not "englightened" to accept an ex-porn star. Some people have different moral standards. Your morals are neither more nor less enlightened. What happened to tolerance of diversity? Or doesn't that apply to people who are different? Weird.

    Shirley's honesty was only brave because she knew she could be braking a guy's heart. And yet, everybody hear praises Shirl for fixing a lie of her own making, and heaps their condecending scorn on a guy who has had his heart ripped out. Give me a break.

  • At 10:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I was once a sex worker. I never got serious with a guy during that time, but my best friend, also a sex worker, did. At first, it was "I'm a cocktail waitress." That adequately explains the long nights and heavy makeup. When you're living under that lie, you can pretend that you & he are just a couple of normal folks in love, and everything you do is legitimate. That's such a good feeling, and a welcome contrast from merely being the fuck toy of many anonymous men, even if you like your job. That's why it is SO difficult to reveal the truth when you are in this business. It is absolutely not sneakiness that fuels this lie. It's just the surprise of real love. If I tell him, he'll hate me. If I don't tell him, we can continue to be blissfully in love. It's not a hard decision to make, as a human being.

    Myself, I always told everybody what I did for a living, and I can't conjecture very long about why I never had a boyfriend. I scared them all away, except for the creeps. Yeah, eww. My honesty was a badge I wore to defeat the loneliness I felt. Most girls I worked with were chronically single and lonely, even though they were drop dead gorgeous.

  • At 11:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "And yet, everybody hear praises Shirl for fixing a lie of her own making, and heaps their condecending scorn on a guy who has had his heart ripped out. Give me a break."

    Why should I not commend someone who decided to stop with the lies and be truthful? And cry me a river if I don't feel sorry for a guy who hits women. On a week where I watched a man shove his wife on national television, my tolerance for abusers is pretty low.

  • At 4:55 PM, Blogger Doom/Blondie said…

    Goodness, I have just read for the first time your entire blog!

    I shan't comment on this most recent post because the whole thing seems like one big grey area...

    I cannot say what he did was right and I cannot say what he did was wrong... Equally, you were in a difficult position but eventually the truth has to come out.

    All I can try and do is put myself in his position and try and feel how I myself would feel in that position. Perhaps to my shame, I doubt I would have acted different.

    Ironically enough I think you need to ignore the opinions of everybody that posts here whether or not they offer sympathy or condemnation. It is your life and it is yours and Andrews feelings and viewpoints that are important - not mine or anybody elses.

    Saying that, I wish you well and I hope that between the two of you, that you can come to a greater understanding.

    Thank you for sharing


  • At 6:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    JH, correct me if I am wrong but your earlier posts implied that “hitting” was an valid response to emotional trauma and that Shirley would “heal” quicker from the violence than Andrew. Your first hypothetical had us choose between emotional violence (to the point of suicide) with pushing. I assume you would choose being pushed in this scenario. Since I believed your hypothetical is flawed I posed an alternative asking you to choose between emotional trauma and a gunshot. In the second instance you have explicitly chosen emotional trauma. Since you now seem to have one leg on each side of the picket fence (ouch that will leave a mark) which side of the fence are you on now?

    While it is reasonable and understandable to lash out with insults we it is not understandable to lash out with violence and insults. I am perfectly suited to be labeled small minded and intolerant because I have judged Andrew to be an “ASSHAT” for hitting Shirley in this instance. Most everyone says mean spirited things in the heat of the moment but I suspect a far smaller subset of people combine insults with violence.

    Finally I am still somewhat puzzled as to which “school of enlightenment” advocates or accepts physical violence as valid response to shocking revelations.


  • At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The truth was right. The hitting was wrong. The sad outcome is what it is.

    I could go on about how I would have been shocked but understanding (and aroused), but that gets into my own foibles. ;-)

  • At 10:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Nevertheless i wish you many good days in the next year , don't give up.
    Wolfgang ( Germany )

  • At 10:20 AM, Blogger Does it Matter? said…

    Who's doing their Psychology Thesis? The adult industry, and all the industries legal or not that touch on it, is a world in itself. Stepping into that world is charged with risks of acceptance from those not associated with it. That acceptance can range from apathy to denial it even exists. The scene depicted is nothing more than a collision of that world with the world outside of it, aggrevated by a personal relationship based on lack of openness from either side. That lack of openess was explored and corrected in this scene to a negative conclusion. Lesson learned. One could disect the event from beginning to end and blame could be metted out to both. Blame is being judgemental, but judging is a necessary trait of human progress. The real lesson in judgement is the understanding that comes with it. In the end, what happened happened and everything happens for reason. The lessons in life come in as many forms as there are people on the planet. Those lessons sometimes need to be learned over and over again. That is the progress of the human soul. For Shirley, anyone taking on two names is taking on two identities and therefore two lives. Trying to live with both is extremely difficult, risky, and sometimes dangerous. Reconciling the two back into one can take a lifetime, maybe two. In time, it will come.

  • At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    LMAO @ everyone getting so worked up over this.
    relax guys its only a fiction.
    anyone realize maybe she made andrew look like the way she did because she wanted him to look like an ass? and how she is the 'innocent'? in reality....i dont think the conversation would have ended so quickly but because its a FICTION > IT DID.


  • At 11:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dialog and exchange of ideas is good whether fiction or not...no?

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