GOD'S WIFE

The Story of a Sex Worker

January 25, 2005

No Return

The first porn job I ever had, Becca, the woman who looked like trash, said to me, "We live more before twenty-five than most people do in a lifetime." Well, Goddamnit, I thought, maybe people were better off not living this way. Friendless and jobless and hated.

I wasn't frowning on any of the high times. They were some of the best times of my life. For a while I had the family's protection and support. I achieved an enduring confidence. What I'm saying is, at the same time, something backfired.

I had made a vital mistake of trying to live a respectable straight life while at the same time living the life of what many people saw as a criminal, a thief not armed with a gun but with her sex. That was probably the biggest mistake a porn actress could make. Humans and machines clashed. They were two different animals, one being even less an animal than the other. Once you've done a fuck film, even just one, you've reached the point of no return. The point of no return was called No Return for a reason.

I enjoyed my outlaw life and rebelling against all the straight crap, respectable jobs and monogamy. My dad held a respectable job and beat the shit out of me. What was so respectable about that? Many of the men I went out with were bad to me. Everyone was sinister in some way. I was a good person. I had ego enough to know that I was a better person than most. But someone somewhere said my job was one of the most sinister of all, close to war.

I might have been sounding melodramatic but when you lost your job, a job with so many questions attached, and you lost someone you could have married, your life turned to melodrama.

My life to this point had been too troubled to be considered a good plot for a porn movie. But that's what made porn, just like any movie, enjoyable. For a while as an actress I was able to escape. I could forget about all the shit, not use my mind at all, and use my body. People tried to reach the same state by drinking after work or taking Valium. Fucking wasn't much different. Just like there was a difference between a vodka drunk and a tequila drunk, there was a different high that went with the different sex acts. I'd say it was no small accomplishment to forget, for a moment, all the sad acts that life threw at you.

For a while I was happier than I'd ever been. I'd landed some contentment. I finally felt at home. But when I was discarded it made me feel as if I'd never belonged. I wasn't a true friend. I was the piece of meat that I sometimes joked about.

This is not to say that the industry was all corrupt. I saw people who had led long, healthy lives in the industry. But for me, it failed. And I ended up hurting myself. Maybe I'd hurt Andrew but he'd get over it. I didn't regret having the job because it changed me in a good way, boosted my self-esteem, made me feel beautiful and more of a solid person able to deal with triumph and hardship, as well as recognize my sexual power.

I didn't subscribe to the notion that porn was hurting people. If you banned pornography because it might have hurt somebody, you'd also have to ban the sun. Of course, there were always extremes. People did get hurt, raped, even killed on video but there were extremes in anything. A man might drink so much Coke-a-Cola that he gets sugar poisoning. That's violent too, and crazy in its way. It's when the violence got linked with sex that people got confused and angry and started debating and writing books.

What bothered me as much as anything was that, again, I was out of a job.

7 Comments:

  • At 3:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am still reading. I think you do a good job using the cliff hanger.

    Iowa

     
  • At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    One phrase in your post is more fightening than anything else:

    "you lost someone you could have married",


    it could have been a lot worse if he had found out after the two of you were married. It's crazy sometimes to think of the risk one takes in marrying, you're always marrying two people: the one you love and think you know, and the shadow you don't know.

    You're at a difficult time now. I hope things will start looking better and you'll find a new job.

    Keep us posted :o)

    hors-sujet

     
  • At 3:04 PM, Blogger xman said…

    been reading u for quite a while but first time posting a comment..

    very sorry for what has happened to you and the destruction of what could have been, but i guess this is more time than ever to be strong and to reassess yourself and ur abilities

    as they say in my part of the world and probable everywhere else - everything happens for a reason, just a matter of time before you know what that reason is and believe u me its normally a good one

    take care babe :)

     
  • At 9:43 PM, Blogger Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said…

    Not sure why, but I feel like fucking up a Cypress Hill track:

    So you wanna be a porn superstar
    Live large
    Big house
    Five cars
    You be in charge
    Cummin' up in the world
    Don't trust nobody
    Gotta look over your shoulder constantly...

    =======
    Yo yo yo, 'cause I'm like SO g to the hetto, know what I'm sayin'? Boyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? ::awkward white rapper stackin'::

    There's an analogy in there somewhere.

     
  • At 6:58 PM, Blogger darling maggot said…

    shirl, did you fuck andrew up?

     
  • At 4:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Geez, This sounds pretty damn grim girl. If you have any money, do get yourself tested. There's clinics that can do it for free too. Get yourself certified as free from the diseases of concern. Then go back and find some real friends. They may be few and far between. Look to contact some of the former female stars who have gone 'semi-respectable', and ask them for any help they can give you. Here's some resources:

    [http://www.anniesprinkle.org/html/resources/index.html]

    [http://www.anniesprinkle.org/html/resources/index.html].
    They may be able to help you if you still are on line. There's a huge community of sex workers out there that might be able to help now too. So, there's help to be had out there, and some ways that will allow you to retain some dignity too. Making a living will be a bit harder though. You may need more training, but you might also want to try and get away from the LA scene into a place where you are unknown. You also need to get some therapy too. Your childhood may not have been as horrific as others, but it was bad enough to set you up for some bad decisions.

    There's always ways of coming back. It just takes some time and some faith and hope. Good Luck Kid, I've got no idea if any, most or all of this is 'real', but you'll need some luck to get through.
    ---- J also from NJ

     
  • At 1:20 AM, Blogger Julian Silvain said…

    I skim a lot of blogs, and so far yours is in the Top 3 of my list of favorites. I'm going to dive in and try my hand at it, so wish me luck.

    It'll be in a totally different area than yours (mine is about mens male enhancement reviews) I know, it sounds strange, but it's like anything, once you learn more about it, it's pretty cool. It's mostly about mens male enhancement reviews related articles and subjects.

     

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